On crippling self-doubt and espionage

 You know, the kind that cripples you.

That pushes you to the wall and forces you to watch the paint cracks for a couple of hours.

Crippling self-doubt has been a dear and loyal friend of mine since I was little. I remember going to parties and thinking, moments before ringing the bell, all dressed up in hideous ‘90s floral dresses, I’d always think ‘What if it’s for next week? Or worse, what if it’s for tomorrow?’ Within moments I’d envision the said family and friend answering the door dressed in their pajamas, probably baking the cake for tomorrow.

It never happened to me. But IT COULD. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the crippling factor.

This specific fear followed me well into my adult years. To be honest, I rarely double check things and appointments, and I always remember the information from the first time I glance at it. However, I have often found myself on my way to a scheduled appointment or meeting and, moments before I arrive, feverishly scrolling up on Facebook chats or texts, trying to check the time and location of said rendezvous.

And of course (of course!) this manifests into many, many aspects of my life, because if you have crippling self-doubt, hell, it sticks with you like an STD. 'Should I have said that? Did I turn the stove of (for that, I have found the solution. I take a picture of said appliance and check it to see that it is turned off. I do not doubt photographic evidence. Yet,)'?

Crippling self-doubt has made me think twice before posting this. Not that people care. I know for a fact that the people who read this are 5 dear friends that I shove the link down their throats, as if I was attempting to make digital foie gras. They are good people. If it wasn’t for all that self-doubt I’d share this more.

Maybe I’ll get there.

Crippling self-doubt, and its good friend paranoia, cause me to double check if anyone overheard me talking to the phone.

While I’m on the street.

Next to a busy highway.

Talking no louder than a whisper.

I swear, if I ever talked in code, that I invented, I would always worry that someone would break it.

Or that I would forget it and go to an appointment the wrong day.

What I’m trying to say is, I would be a shit spy.